Uncharted Future

I'm 24. Pushing into the realms of the mid twenties. No longer considered by many as an at an age where one can lead a carefree, laid back lifestyle. An age around when careers are typically born. And now I wonder what I am doing, following a decision I made back when it was still alright to think in such immature, irresponsible ways.

I used to have a plan. Back when I was in Primary School, I already knew I wanted to get into a Junior College. And because I had that goal, the resulting path I trod made me so blithely confident that I would achieve what I aimed to do. And I did. Minimal preparations, more time spent on Mechcommander than on my books, squandering time chatting about inconsequential matters on the ICQ...effort that was enough, barely, to get me into a JC.

And there, my planning stopped. At least for a while. After all, the next two and a half years would be spent in National Service, where I'd have plenty of time to consider my options. By then, I reasoned, I should have a clear idea as to where I would prefer to further my studies. I looked no further than that.

During NS, I enjoyed instructing, teaching trainees how to swim, enjoyed the immense feeling of satisfaction watching folk who'd been struggling to survive in the water 5 months ago glide with practiced ease from end to end. And I thought, since I love to teach, why not be a teacher? The prospects looked good...male teachers were severely lacking in the education sector. And so I disregarded my 2nd uncle's dismissive talk and signed up. After all, to me at that time, doing something I enjoyed was more important than money. The money wasn't that bad anyway.

The fiasco during my contract teaching period meant I had to consider my options again, so soon after having set my heart on this path not one year ago. And being confined to going to SIM to study business or going overseas, my 2nd uncle's advice suddenly seemed so much more feasible. He was looking to open a branch of his formworks business in Singapore, and felt I had the ability to run it. Why not? A family run business, being the boss of this branch, getting invaluable experience all seemed a good deal. Upon graduation, I'd probably work with him at his base in KL to get relevant experience before returning to set up the branch in Singapore. Moreover, I took the shattering of my teaching dream as God's sign that His work for me wasn't meant to be in that sector. Setting my heart on this road, I enrolled at SIM to study business in order to prepare myself as best as I could for the role my uncle planned for me.

But barely a year into my 1st semester, his venture into China failed. And now, having completed 2 years of my course, his venture into Dubai failed. Failure in two of the most burgeoning construction industries meant that the chances of my 2nd uncle walking the talk and opening a branch here woule be non-existent. And suddenly, I was without an objective again.

I'd never seen the need to try really hard, since the management of the would-be branch seemed a granted to me. Moreover, I had folk I worked with before who liked my working attitude enough to tell me that they'd give me a job in their companies once I'd graduated. All I had to do was to call them. And so, all this while, I'd been taking the slow, easy way out...taking my time recovering from the simultaneous dissipation of my goals due to outside influences, giving myself the excuse that what God wants me to do, He's gonna guide me there and I need not worry about it. And I never once thought that, hey, you gotta give your best so that you can be the most effective at whatever God wants you to do.

I guess it really takes a huge blow like this, like potentially losing your dream girl to splash the cold water on my face and wake up my bloody idea. I'm disappointed at myself, that it took something so drastic, that I was looking at the wrong place all the time...All this while I was looking at what more I could have done for her, when it was all about what more I could have done for myself...because it affects her if she commits the rest of her life to being with me. I should have known better. I know now...I need a plan. Where do I go from here? What job do I want to take on? Where do I want to work? What should I do with my earnings? Where do I want to be in a year's time. 5 years? 10 years? What can I do to give her a good, financially secure life if she chooses to live it with me? I need to bloody think. I need to wake up my bloody idea. I really don't know what I've been doing with my life these past 2 years. I don't know if it's too late to change things, for us and for myself...but I got to try.

Thank God for Sim...the talk with him really got the mental gears grinding. He wouldn't have been the first person I'd have gone to for advice..so it was really surprising I got so much insight from him. And I thought I was mature and worldly-wise. He's really grown up mentally. And now it's definitely time for me to do the same.

On a side note, my birthday was an uneventful thing, starting with a cup of mixed liquor (Absolut Vanilla, Mandrin and Tiger beer on the rocks anyone?) I was forced to down at the chalet, a drinking session at my room bar with WQ, Darryl, Earric and his gf Yvonne, and a japanese dinner with my folks and my darling Jean at Raffles Town Club, where I had my first taste of lobster sashimi. Uncle HM gave out a $50 tip, which I saw repeated today at work. My sweet ZW gave me a funky red crumpler sling pouch to replace my worn out Fila pouch (which has served me for over 4 years), and a cocktail book (so I can make more drinks for her :) ). So sweet right? :)

Pictures can be found in her blog.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.