Apprehension

Yet another routine school day. My 3 'sisters' were particularly annoying
today. Think two of them really deserved a smack or something. I got to
talk to them before things get worse. They really put me in a spot. On one
hand, I don't want to punish them. On the other hand, they're asking for it,
and not only is it unfair if I refrain from punishing them, they'll take
advantage and become even worse. And they are starting to get on my
nerves.

Was pleasantly surprised when I heard that more than a few pupils wanted
into my class...seems they enjoyed the 1 week that I took them while the
other teacher was away so much...

My job's apparently in jeopardy. The observation tomorrow by the principal
was viewed as highly irregular by the other teachers; they told me that she
normally didn't bother with contract teachers unless they were either very
bad, or very good. I don't think I fall into the latter category, especially when
her feedback comes mostly from the senior teacher and my last observation
wasn't exactly very pleasing...and I'm told this principal would not hesitate
to sack an incompetent teacher. God knows I've tried my best at this. Now
this...this would be the true test and indicator on whether what I'm doing
now is truly what God wants me to do. But seriously, if I fail and drop out,
I'll be at a loss. Won't know what to do, having dropped out of University
to do this. I'm more than nervous...

She told me last night that she wanted to meet me today. So I put off
collecting my bike from Ah Lian and went home after school at 4 plus.
I messaged her like she requested, but a reply wasn't forthcoming till
something like ten minutes later, when she called.

In her usual ambiguous (or is it ambivalent?) manner, she said she wanted
to meet me. But then at first she didn't know if she could come out or not.
No, she didn't want me to go over either; takes too much effort on my part.
Then, she admits she doesn't feel like coming out. And again, no, she doesn't
want me to come over. The bus stop is so far from my place...the walk will
take a lot of energy and effort. And no, it's going to rain, she doesn't want me
to fetch her. And if I was going to fetch her, we might as well meet at her
place, and no, she doesn't want me to come over. She really wants to meet
me. She misses me. But its late already...so much effort to come over and
meet...and just for a short while only.

Wait. I can predict your reaction. 3 alphabets will be sufficient to express it.

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wtf


Well, I haven't got any idea either. And, she's the one who initiated the
meeting in the first place.

When I told her how I felt yesterday, about
the old emotional wounds reopening, she suddenly said she could meet me
from tomorrow all the way thru Wednesday. Even when she originally said
she couldn't meet me tomorrow as she had tuition and even if we did meet
it would be for a short while only. And she didn't mention anything about
meeting on the other days besides Saturday. But at least she does want to
meet me when she senses I'm depressed.

I've told her before about this blog, that I express things here I don't say
to her. That's mostly due to the fact that I've always had this principle
that when it comes to my gal, I'll try my best to let her have her way,
and if I feel I'm in the right, I'll tell her my feelings later when she's cooled
down. But when the later comes, I can't find it within myself to dig out things
that have already been settled. And so I let it rest. And simmer within myself.
And when I get home, I pour it out here. I've told her. But she doesn't seem
interested. In this I am certain, or I'd be expecting a message or call
vehemently denying this and asking that I expunge this little snippet from
my blog. I'm not. Expecting that call that is.

I've come to stop expecting certain things from that department. And I start
to wonder if that would affect the depth of affection I hold towards her. I
truly do not know. There are too many damn things I do not know. There
are SO too many damn things I do not know.

It's so frustrating...
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.