Low Down

I've finally seen his true colours.
Seen it, when he laid me low. Dirty, stinky, conniving, honour-less. But he had me.
And I am helpless against it. Berift of aid. Devoid of motivation. Laid low by a low
blow.

He had me. He told me he wanted to help me. That I should consult him more
often. He said that my lesson had improved. That my classroom discipline and
management had improved. He told me that I hadn't made sufficient allowances
for the weaker pupils, that a few of them didn't know what to do when I asked them
to do their assignments. And he highlighted my time management since I overshot
my allotted timing.

That's what he told me privately, when just the two of us were there.

He sang a different tune though, in front of the Principal. He made no mention of
my improvements, and delved straight into my flaws, which he grossly magnified
to disproportionate magnitudes. Suddenly, from the 'one or two' pupils who didn't
know what to do, it seemed that ALL the pupils didn't know what to do. "The poor
kids come into your class wanting to learn something, and at the end of the day they
still don't know how to do", said he. The 'poor kids'? WTF?
He highlighted the fact that I'd made mistakes during marking. Hey...doesn't everyone?
Who doesn't make mistakes....God, maybe? But he didn't put that into consideration
when the Principal was conferencing with us, not like in private when he told me
"I know what you're going through because I went through them myself..." He insisted
I was being careless in my marking. And then they collectively concluded that I should
have put in more effort into my lesson planning. WooT~? I'd spent the better half of
TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS planning, sourcing out the pictures and cutting out the
cards, getting a headache over it and you insinuate that I didn't put in enough effort??!!
WTF?!? And when my supervisor says these things, who would believe me? Now even
our esteemed principal is biased against me. Notice I didn't spell principal with the
capital P. Even that little consideration is undeserving.

And so, my dream of going to NIE lies in peril. My job in jeopardy.

Went to scream my lungs out at Party World. Was actually not that into the
singing, but when Siang called me and told me that SHE had told Siang she didn't want
the flowers I'd ordered for Valentine's Day, something in me snapped. I almost broke
the windows I think. What is she up to? Is she deliberately rejecting all of my affections?
Why? In favour of E's affections? WTF....
Had a long nice chat at the busstop with Tess where we chatted till the newspaper
delivery man started his rounds, bemoaning our problems and gripes to each other
and attempting to dispense advice.

I took MC and went into JB to modify my Xbox with XL. Spent $100 doing it up and
getting the games. Spent a considerable amount of time playing. No mood to discuss
this, really.

Met her at Bugis where we had a good, long chat. I knew the most appropraite thing to
do would have been to break things off with her. I spoke long and hard, and yes, she
admitted she was deliberately rejecting my affection, because she thought I was going
to break up with her and thus those gestures would have lost their meaning. She really
broke my heart that day. I almost told her that it was over and done with, but the
words just stuck in my throat. I simply couldn't bring myself to say it. She salved the
wounds later, giving me the comfort I needed, the comfort she knew I needed. Which
puzzled me. She loves me. She loves her. Can someone love two at the same time? Is
it really so wrong to let her love when that love is a different kind of love? It's so
confusing.

I read this from another website...

New research has shown that ovulating females often fantasize about someone other than her current partner. The hormones that surge through her body create a desire to look for a better source of genes for her offspring. Her partner senses this and responds with attention to capture her eye once again. The research shows that the reproductive urges and rituals that guided our ancient ancestors are still very much alive in modern times.

is this true? Is it because of genetic selection...the drive for genetic perfectness that
does this? Doesn't make sense...females cannot mate amongst themselves....

I did some soul searching on my way back from the music bar that Shere brought me
to. Everything seems to be going on the wrong foot for me. My job is in jeopardy, and
my dream of going to NIE and getting my R6 is similiarly affected. My dad's lost his
job. My family has been in shambles for a while, and I cannot seem to get over it.
Physically, my body has never been the same since my accident. Even spiritually,
I'm backsliding. Noone to turn to, nowhere to seek refuge. At this low period in my
life where everything seems to be going wrong. And my relationship is going bad too.
Perhaps out of all this, I still hang on in the hopes of things with her turning out well.
That she'd wake up. For once I let go of her, I will be left with nothing. Not even that
sliver of hope. No motivation for tomorrow. Nothing at all. Alone, in the dark and
dank.

But again does it tally? I do have other reasons...I can't bear the thought of her
being in another guys arms. I worry that her new guy will not treat her as well. I
worry that he might take advantage of her sweet innocence. I don't want that
innocence bespoiled. It's one of the things I so love about her.

See? There I go again, thinking about her even in the event of a possible breakup...
Am I stupid or what? I gave her time for her to decide if she thought she could
distance herself from E. She requested a couple of weeks. And so I provided a month.
Haiz..I never thought myself to be so dependent...but what am I to do without her?
Find another girl you say? I'll have to be alone for a period in time, to rebound back.
Or it wouldn't be fair coz I haven't gotten over her, and I wouldn't be able to treat
the new girl as she rightly deserves. Ah well~...

Its a deep shithole I'm in now, and I don't know how to get out. How? Help? Haiz...

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.