Marking Chapters

Was packing up and setting up my album for memory's sake.
Like a bookmark for every chapter in my life.
Dug out every conceivable sentimental bit of trash I had in my room for consideration and managed to fill out a narry of pages. From my birth till now. Thing is, I don't have any photos of myself recently that captures my circumstances, like a shot of myself in my police uniform?

While I was packing, I found all the letters I'd kept from Adeline. Reading them, part of me wonders how we held on for so long, and I marvelled at my own powers of self-restraint. I guess I should really let it go and take it that she's no longer the Adeline I once knew.

Reading through the other letters I'd got, I was suddenly struck by this feeling of intense dissatisfaction. As though I'd been shortchanged. And I didn't really know why I felt this dissatisfied. And so I sat on it, and thought.
I guess the article I plagurised a few entries back on the 'Nice Guys' issue sums it all up.

Maybe I should illustrate with a life example.

Today, I gave one of my colleagues a lift to NUS. I could have left the school at 1:30pm sharp for home to catch a 2 hour nap, but waited for her till 2pm + before she appeared. Turns out she was having lunch with the other teachers while I was waiting. And so I ignored my hunger pangs and pillioned her down to NUS in the rain, braving the weather, the traffic and my phobia of pillioning a passenger during rainy days, enduring the stinging lashes as the raindrops pelted me in sensitive regions like my neck, and basically using up the time I could have used to catch up on my sleep when I only had 5 hours worth the previous night. Not to mention the petrol consumed. (Ok, I know I sound very calculative. I am not nit-picking or grousing over the fact that I did all this, wasted my fuel etc...just stating what I think would make you as a reader understand the situation and how I feel. ) At NUS, I waited while she finished her thing, shivering in my tissue thin, soaked shirt as the air conditioning compounded matters. And then I sent her to SMU as the netball girls were having a match. In the rain. And rode back home in the cold and rain. (I witnessed an accident on the way home)
Oh, she appreciated it. And showed it with a monosyllabic 'thanks'.

That's how it goes. I play Mr. Nice Guy. I do things. (eg give someone a lift, burn a cd, encourage someone, make someone something, buy someone something, fix someone's computer etc) And usually what I get from the girls is appreciation. In the form of 'thanks', 'thank you', 'you're such a sweet, nice guy' etc. Some are orally administered. Some in the form of SMS. Some in the form of letters and postcards. Often, the girl I help would employ at least two of these mediums to convey her appreciation to me. And that girl gets quite close to me because she feels that I'm 'such a sweet, nice guy'....for a while. And then it fades away. The girl would naturally go on with her life, do her own thing...and appear to have forgotten I existed.

And as I mused through this, I started to question myself as usual. Was I being too demanding? Why do good and nice deeds and expect a reward? Why not do it for the deed itself? Was I being too unreasonable? Was I?

And then made a startling realisation. Hey. I do things for guys too. I ride out in the rain for my buddies. I lent money to a friend whose sister was ailing in the hospital with cancer without expecting it to be returned. And those are just the tip of the iceberg. If anything, I do things that require at least equal effort as the things I do for my female friends, if not more. Why then, don't I feel the same feeling of dissatisfaction towards my male friends? Why then, do not feel as if I have been shortchanged?

And then I got it.

My guy friends may not be as verbose or expressive in showing their appreciation. But when they do, it is more tangible than their female counterparts. I guess what I really need now are supportive friends who rally around me when I'm feeling this lousy. And this support, going out with me and lending a listening ear, dispensing down to earth advice, doing things with me etc, is something my guy friends are giving. I can't use 'thanks', and I sure couldn't care less with whether I am a 'nice, sweet guy' in such a circumstance. It doesn't help me anyway. Not all. Sometimes I get really tired of being termed as a 'nice guy'. In the end it all boils down to nothing. And I just wear myself out trying to please everyone. I tried to make things easier for Adeline. I didn't want to be unfair to Tess. In the end I was left with nothing. What. Do I have to start being a fucker as well? I think this world has enough of them to go around without me joining up in the ranks.

I don't know what to think anymore, regarding this issue.
Again, I'm not grousing. I know this post may raise more than one eyebrow and I'd like to emphasize that I am not, as others may conceive, complaining about a lack of support or whatever from my friends. I am not blaming anyone. I am simply, as always, using this blog to express myself. And hope that after doing so this feeling will disappear...

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Congratulations, Metalfyre!Your IQ score is 129 This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.