Seeking Repose

Thank God the holidays are finally here.
I have need of a break from all these. To close the doors and take a break. To really take my time and recover.

I enjoy going to the toilet. Its the only place in school i don't get scruntinised, the only place where i'm left to myself, allowed my own privacy. My sanctuary of solace, if you will...however unlikely. If someone comes in while im on the pot i would just stand up and let em have a whiff to ensure a speedy departure. haha...which is why every morning i enjoy my little repose on the porcelain white throne...sitting too long until i have a dead leg which is often followed by a crippling bout of pins and needles coupled with near cramps on my calf muscles. You might be grossed out by this but hey, to me it's the only place in school I get to escape, if only temporarily, the harsh, hostile school environment my work place has recently become.

Hopefully I'll be able to fully unwind during this period.

Today while I was planning the purchases for Art resources (the miserable school allotted a measly $3 per child for the ENTIRE YEAR), I overhead some of my colleagues denouncing their students stupid, regaling each other with how they made some sarcastic remark when the students asked what they deemed as a stupid question, and wondering to each other whether the kid was stupid enough to really follow what they sarcastically suggested.

Teacher A: That girl is really so stupid you know. I told them only those involved in the performance needed to stay back, and she still had to come to me and ask me if she needed to stay back when she is not involved. I told her 'yes, everyone is staying back to clean up the hall. Everyone will be late so when you get there you just start cleaning first ok?'....I wonder if she's stupid enough to really do that...

Teacher B: Ya lor ya lor...today's performance also...this other girl was blocking the way...so stupid don't know how to move out of the way..

See what I mean? How would the girl have known to move out of the way when she was facing the audience? How is asking for confirmation a sign that you are stupid?
I for one never believe that any child is stupid. I believe every child is intelligent, but simply learns in different ways, and at different pace levels. I believe every child is worth striving for, that every child has his or her potential, just waiting to be unlocked. I believe teachers are the ones in the best position to find that key, and unlock the potential. Which is one reason I stuck to this job. Listening to my colleagues gossiping and bad-mouthing their students, children that have been placed under their care so that they can mentor and mold them to their best potential, I cannot help but wonder, in what way am I inferior to them...in what way can they execute the teaching profession in a manner that is more effective...in what way does their attitude towards all this surpass mine? If I truly lack the attitude...what about these colleagues of mine? Going by the standards that balding hypocrite told me about, who in that staff room truly deserved to be teachers? 5 mayhaps? Maybe a little more? How many truly care about these children, how many truly are what the media paint them to be, paragons of virtue who care for and nurture each and every child? Or do they simply take this as a job to be done, a ricebowl to fill their tummies...

I no longer believe I lack the attitude. And the aptitude that I lack can be trained, inculcated. What more proof is needed that every bit of drivel from that balding hypocrite's mouth was pure nonsense? If he truly put every of the teachers under him under the same guidelines and standards that he claimed to set me through, shouldn't these teachers be recommended for termination as well? Humph~...no wonder the school produces such lousy results. 100% passes in PSLE? But what kind of passes when more than 70% of the graduating students are admitted into the Normal Academic Stream, when these students are no different from what I was before, and could have gone to the Express Stream like I did if only they had the same guidiance and care I experienced from my own teachers during my Primary School days? And by sending these kids to the Normal Stream, how many will possess the self-confidence to pick themselves up and try to gain entry into the Express Stream by themselves? These uncaring teachers have damned them and ruined their future. The school has damned them. No wonder I haven't heard of the school before I was posted there. No wonder Ms Cheong told me during the Prep course at the Teacher's Network not to give up. The school's only saving grace are the minute handful of teachers who are genuinely interested in the children, and work hard to help them. Sadly, examples of these are few and far between...

Riding fast, hard and taking a few corners!!!