Seeking Vindication
For most of my life, I have always tried
my utmost to look at both sides of the coin, consider both sides of the story...even if it concerned my own interests.
Thus, I had questioned whether their evaluation of me was just. Whether I was really unsuitable for teaching. Whether my methods of delivery were really insufficient. I asked, questioned, and cast doubt on myself. I looked around and found the answers.
Today, the Maths level rep asked me how my class did for their CA1 as she was walking out of the staff room. My class hadn't done all that well, slightly more than half failed, and I suspected that it could have been a result of an inadequecy in my teaching regime. I reflected the statistics to her and asked her how her class did. Her response laid my self doubt in this area to rest.
"Oh...also the same...more than half failed. The paper was rather tricky this time..."
I mean, getting the same results for my class as the class the Math level rep taught...tells me that our teaching standards would have been more or less the same. It also tells me that, at the very least, I am every bit as capable as any other teacher in there if the supposedly 'best' teacher, the level rep performed about the same as I did.
Add that to that teacher I mentioned who couldn't handle her class before recess. And the other class who had rowdy children running around in class when the teacher was in there. All these things, facts that I have seen with my own eyes, washes away all self doubt from myself. I had been seeking vindication, and today, God provided the means for me to vindicate myself to myself. And that is all that I ask for. For myself to know that it wasn't me. So I can hold my head high again in spite of what the others think.
I have yet to do the same regarding my decision to stay with dad. I know it IS the right thing to do. But abandoning my brother and sister....and my mother...still doesn't sit right with me. Is 'abandoning' too strong a word? Or am I truly being an irresponsible and unfillial son?
Still some regrets on the break up. Things that I should have done. Things that I shouldn't have done. That would have resulted in us still being together. But I am still satisfied that I have tried my best. And along with this knowledge, this 2nd crisis occupying most of my thoughts has made it easier to bear.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
my utmost to look at both sides of the coin, consider both sides of the story...even if it concerned my own interests.
Thus, I had questioned whether their evaluation of me was just. Whether I was really unsuitable for teaching. Whether my methods of delivery were really insufficient. I asked, questioned, and cast doubt on myself. I looked around and found the answers.
Today, the Maths level rep asked me how my class did for their CA1 as she was walking out of the staff room. My class hadn't done all that well, slightly more than half failed, and I suspected that it could have been a result of an inadequecy in my teaching regime. I reflected the statistics to her and asked her how her class did. Her response laid my self doubt in this area to rest.
"Oh...also the same...more than half failed. The paper was rather tricky this time..."
I mean, getting the same results for my class as the class the Math level rep taught...tells me that our teaching standards would have been more or less the same. It also tells me that, at the very least, I am every bit as capable as any other teacher in there if the supposedly 'best' teacher, the level rep performed about the same as I did.
Add that to that teacher I mentioned who couldn't handle her class before recess. And the other class who had rowdy children running around in class when the teacher was in there. All these things, facts that I have seen with my own eyes, washes away all self doubt from myself. I had been seeking vindication, and today, God provided the means for me to vindicate myself to myself. And that is all that I ask for. For myself to know that it wasn't me. So I can hold my head high again in spite of what the others think.
I have yet to do the same regarding my decision to stay with dad. I know it IS the right thing to do. But abandoning my brother and sister....and my mother...still doesn't sit right with me. Is 'abandoning' too strong a word? Or am I truly being an irresponsible and unfillial son?
Still some regrets on the break up. Things that I should have done. Things that I shouldn't have done. That would have resulted in us still being together. But I am still satisfied that I have tried my best. And along with this knowledge, this 2nd crisis occupying most of my thoughts has made it easier to bear.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
posted by Metalfyre at
3/07/2005 01:15:00 PM
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