Listless, Lifeless. Me.

T'was so hard getting up in the morning to go to school.
Nothing. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to motivate me. Nothing to spur me on. Nothing but the cold promise of emptiness as the day drags on.
More obligations. The empty, utter meaningless smiles I trade with my colleagues, a shell of a cycle beginning anew.

Normally, things always happened to work out in a particular way. Whenever I had a particularly fucked up day at school, I'd happen to be meeting her. And that in itself would give me the motivation, the sense of direction, the focus point for the day. I'd strive on, endure just about anything because I would be meeting her. And I knew that once I'd met her, everything would be just alright.
Or if I had some problems with her, somehow the kids would do something to cheer me up.

Today, I had no focal point. Not meeting her. Wouldn't be meeting her. Problems with her? Way beyond mere problems. No motivation there.
Kids were more than fucked up. Totally no drive, no mood to teach them today. Ignored my instructions until I had to resort to shouting. Nothing there either.

...Haiz...

..............


I don't know anymore.

I don't know anything anymore.

After thinking it through, I realised I have been very, very unfair towards her.
She wasn't the villian I painted her as...the reason E stopped liking her was because she acted cold towards her and asked her to get out of her life.
I feel like a total idiot. Dammit. She HAD taken that step towards me. What a fool. If I had only clarified. If only I had asked, sought to understand her just as I sought to make her understand my anguish. If only I had acknowledged that step she took towards me. Things wouldn't be in such a situation. Wanna sigh and wanna scream in frustration.

Argh...feel like crying and sighing and dying (hey it rhymes)....The hole in my heart she used to fill, one as my better half, and another as my family's proxy. Both left empty now. But no matter how hard I try, coz I know crying would make me feel better, the tears just refuse to come. My eyes feel hot at the most. But the flood gates remain shut.

Gee...I sound like this weepy, wimpy guy who keeps shedding tears like a girl.

Well...

Then again...

Maybe I am.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.