Overhaul Required
Back in my secondary school days, my waterpolo captain Hari, who many of us affectionately christianed 'Abu' said this of me, that any girl I was attached to would be a very lucky girl, based on my character. And he set about trying to fix me up with some girls from school and over Alamak Chat, which was hot back then. It was a hilarious episode which culmulated in me masquerading as a girl, asking the entire channel if any guys wanted to have fun, and laughing uproariously at the hordes of tetesterone-packed desperados who replied.
I thought his comment rather true, or rather, I wanted to believe that it was true, and worked towards making it so. I had no 'girl' to speak of, due to a lack of self-confidence, and so I'd lie in bed, and just before I'd get to sleep, I'd conjure up ideas on how I'd treat my future girlfriend. How I'd do things to melt her heart. How I'd sweep her off her feet. Often, I'd even roleplay these scenarios in my mind to see if they were feasible or not. And armed with this mental self-preparation as you would call it, I was quite certain I'd be the ideal boyfriend for whichever 'lucky' girl who'd become my girlfriend.
And I succeeded, to an extent. When I met Adeline, almost everything I'd thought of previously swept her off her feet. Some backfired; perhaps due to a lack of experience or a sense of reality in my mental roleplaying fantasies, but to all intents and purposes, and according to her, I did succeed in becoming the ideal guy, the dream boyfriend. Her friends would say that she was really lucky to find me, how whatever I did for her was so sweet, how they wished their boyfriend did that too, and whatsoever. Our 1st argument only came 2 years into our relationship.
But somehow, after her, I've lost all sense of direction emotionally. Perhaps its the emotional fatigue that I often spoke of before. But then, I felt so ready to try again, to scale those heights again. And my previous relationship should have given me more experience with regards to such matters. I should be more adept at relationships, shouldn't I?
But what's happening is the complete opposite. Somehow, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I feel for her, these ideas don't come into my head. I can't even recall what I did before that worked so that I can make it work now. I don't know. I try so hard, but I can't seem to make her happy. Can't seem to meet her enough to satisfy her. Can't seem to find time. Can't seem to adjust my lifestyle to suit her. Suddenly, I'm no longer the ideal boyfriend. Suddenly, I'm not the guy a girl would be proud to introduce to her friends as 'my boyfriend. Haiz...I want to sweep her off her feet so badly, but I don't know how. It feels me with an inner sense of inadequacy; I don't even know how to make my loved one happy...and this makes me wish I was a psychic, so I could read her mind, decipher the inner cogs of her mental consciousness, find out what gives her joy, and then fill her with bliss.
And then, with all this going on in my emotional life, the other aspects are in a similiar state of shambles. My spiritual life is encased in cobwebs, haven't been to church in ages. I know I need God in my life, but somehow I've so conveniently prioritised him out of my life. In school, the concepts used to come to me so easily, but I can no longer say the same thing any longer, having to struggle for 2-3 hours just to understand a single concept whilst revising. I made tons of friends during the 3 camps, but suddenly I just didn't feel like being as spiritely as I was before, and now I don't know them that well anymore. My physique has deteriorated ever since the accident, from a clean cut gut with 8 pecs to a spreading tummy with the barest outline of spare tires. My room is in a mess, but I haven't had the spirit to touch any of this in the past months.
I am in sore need of an overhaul in my life. I need revitalisation in my routine. I need....ahh..God knows what I need, because beyond knowing that I need to change something, I don't know what the heck I need to change, in order to make her happy, in order to get my life back on track. When I found her, I thought I wouldn't need my blog anymore as there would be no frustrations to vent, and I'd long since gotten past the phase where I wanted people to visit my blog for the counter to jump. But now, I don't know anything anymore. So God...give me the wisdom.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
I thought his comment rather true, or rather, I wanted to believe that it was true, and worked towards making it so. I had no 'girl' to speak of, due to a lack of self-confidence, and so I'd lie in bed, and just before I'd get to sleep, I'd conjure up ideas on how I'd treat my future girlfriend. How I'd do things to melt her heart. How I'd sweep her off her feet. Often, I'd even roleplay these scenarios in my mind to see if they were feasible or not. And armed with this mental self-preparation as you would call it, I was quite certain I'd be the ideal boyfriend for whichever 'lucky' girl who'd become my girlfriend.
And I succeeded, to an extent. When I met Adeline, almost everything I'd thought of previously swept her off her feet. Some backfired; perhaps due to a lack of experience or a sense of reality in my mental roleplaying fantasies, but to all intents and purposes, and according to her, I did succeed in becoming the ideal guy, the dream boyfriend. Her friends would say that she was really lucky to find me, how whatever I did for her was so sweet, how they wished their boyfriend did that too, and whatsoever. Our 1st argument only came 2 years into our relationship.
But somehow, after her, I've lost all sense of direction emotionally. Perhaps its the emotional fatigue that I often spoke of before. But then, I felt so ready to try again, to scale those heights again. And my previous relationship should have given me more experience with regards to such matters. I should be more adept at relationships, shouldn't I?
But what's happening is the complete opposite. Somehow, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I feel for her, these ideas don't come into my head. I can't even recall what I did before that worked so that I can make it work now. I don't know. I try so hard, but I can't seem to make her happy. Can't seem to meet her enough to satisfy her. Can't seem to find time. Can't seem to adjust my lifestyle to suit her. Suddenly, I'm no longer the ideal boyfriend. Suddenly, I'm not the guy a girl would be proud to introduce to her friends as 'my boyfriend. Haiz...I want to sweep her off her feet so badly, but I don't know how. It feels me with an inner sense of inadequacy; I don't even know how to make my loved one happy...and this makes me wish I was a psychic, so I could read her mind, decipher the inner cogs of her mental consciousness, find out what gives her joy, and then fill her with bliss.
And then, with all this going on in my emotional life, the other aspects are in a similiar state of shambles. My spiritual life is encased in cobwebs, haven't been to church in ages. I know I need God in my life, but somehow I've so conveniently prioritised him out of my life. In school, the concepts used to come to me so easily, but I can no longer say the same thing any longer, having to struggle for 2-3 hours just to understand a single concept whilst revising. I made tons of friends during the 3 camps, but suddenly I just didn't feel like being as spiritely as I was before, and now I don't know them that well anymore. My physique has deteriorated ever since the accident, from a clean cut gut with 8 pecs to a spreading tummy with the barest outline of spare tires. My room is in a mess, but I haven't had the spirit to touch any of this in the past months.
I am in sore need of an overhaul in my life. I need revitalisation in my routine. I need....ahh..God knows what I need, because beyond knowing that I need to change something, I don't know what the heck I need to change, in order to make her happy, in order to get my life back on track. When I found her, I thought I wouldn't need my blog anymore as there would be no frustrations to vent, and I'd long since gotten past the phase where I wanted people to visit my blog for the counter to jump. But now, I don't know anything anymore. So God...give me the wisdom.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
posted by Metalfyre at
11/27/2005 08:13:00 PM
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