Unconditional Love
I have never had troubles sleeping, ever. Regardless of the problem or the situation at hand, I've always been more capable of falling into an untroubled, restful sleep, waking up fresh and ready to tackle the problems at hand. Until her. Maybe it was coz she always couldn't sleep whenever she was stressed and I got 'infected'? lol...But I've spent many nights tossing and turning about, the gears in my mind going into redline, not allowing me to fall asleep.
All the thoughts that's been keeping me awake lately have veered in the direction of 'what ifs'. I'd vowed never to walk away from a relationship nursing regrets, and thus I've always tried my best to make things happen, so that in the future if the 'what ifs' came knocking, I could answer that I had already tried this or that to the best of my ability. In spite of this, I am now filled with doubts, regrets and other pointless sentiment that have served nothing more than to keep me awake at night...
She called.
Is that a bad thing? All the pangs and regrets I've been trying to fend and keep at bay returning in that instant. Yet I somehow miss her voice, yearn to have her confide in me and pick her up when she is down.
Do I have any regrets? I left out of respect for her decision, because even then, all that mattered was her happiness. Why am I feeling this way then? Perhaps this nagging ache comes from the forlorn yearning that...if only I could bring her happiness in some other way...perhaps like the way I used to...bring her joy and bliss by being with her...rather than by forcing myself to turn away.
Tormented myself by looking at her pictures everyday, figuring the day I no longer feel this pain is the day I'm over her. But the pain does not go away. And so I withdraw into my shell. But that doesn't stop the hurt from going on...and on...and on.
Am I, have I ever been capable of giving her the love that she wants? Would she have been happier if I had let her go to him when we parted ways last year? Maybe then she would be happier? Maybe then I wouldn't have to go through such emotional turmoil right now. All the things I had to grit my teeth and endure because I chose to hang on...I probably would have saved myself the experience.
But do I regret? I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say yes. I tried, am willing to give my best because ... I guess this is love. Even if I have to suffer, endure countless trials and heartaches, I was willing to endure anything, and I still tried out of love, because she was worth it. Too many people feel 'love' when things are rosy, and give up when the going gets tough. But love, the pure unconditional love that makes you willing to lay even your life down for her...that love is forgiving, patient, kind, gentle and long-suffering. God loved the world so much...and even though the going was rough and His people turned away from Him again and again, did He ever give up and turn away from us? No. Instead, He sacrificed His one and only son to die for us. If He had turned away from us, where would we be now? And thus, in my own little way, I try to emulate this pure, unconditional love.
Despite the troubles and issues, the trials we had gone through, the problems, the tears, no matter how many times we tried and failed, I was still willing to give it another shot, to grind through the tough times no matter what because I love her. I could endure the bottled up feelings and regrets and strive on again and again because I love her. All because love is unconditional. I do not need you to be anything, do anything for me to love you. All because love is forgiving, and through love I can forgive and forget anything I had to go through for your sake. All because love is patient, that I can strive on and wait till the end of time till things turn out alright. All because love is gentle and kind, that I can care for you with infinite tenderness, never mind the sacrifice or cost to myself. All because this love i have is pure, that I can always get up and forge on again, and bring you home safe from this torrid world we live in.
All because I love you, that I could and would stay around, following you wherever you go, be your strength when you stumble and lift you up when you are down.
I was always willing to try and try again because I loved you.
There are no regrets, especially if this brings you happiness...
Only a forlorn wish that..perhaps..if only....I could have given it to you some other way.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
All the thoughts that's been keeping me awake lately have veered in the direction of 'what ifs'. I'd vowed never to walk away from a relationship nursing regrets, and thus I've always tried my best to make things happen, so that in the future if the 'what ifs' came knocking, I could answer that I had already tried this or that to the best of my ability. In spite of this, I am now filled with doubts, regrets and other pointless sentiment that have served nothing more than to keep me awake at night...
She called.
Is that a bad thing? All the pangs and regrets I've been trying to fend and keep at bay returning in that instant. Yet I somehow miss her voice, yearn to have her confide in me and pick her up when she is down.
Do I have any regrets? I left out of respect for her decision, because even then, all that mattered was her happiness. Why am I feeling this way then? Perhaps this nagging ache comes from the forlorn yearning that...if only I could bring her happiness in some other way...perhaps like the way I used to...bring her joy and bliss by being with her...rather than by forcing myself to turn away.
Tormented myself by looking at her pictures everyday, figuring the day I no longer feel this pain is the day I'm over her. But the pain does not go away. And so I withdraw into my shell. But that doesn't stop the hurt from going on...and on...and on.
Am I, have I ever been capable of giving her the love that she wants? Would she have been happier if I had let her go to him when we parted ways last year? Maybe then she would be happier? Maybe then I wouldn't have to go through such emotional turmoil right now. All the things I had to grit my teeth and endure because I chose to hang on...I probably would have saved myself the experience.
But do I regret? I cannot look at myself in the mirror and say yes. I tried, am willing to give my best because ... I guess this is love. Even if I have to suffer, endure countless trials and heartaches, I was willing to endure anything, and I still tried out of love, because she was worth it. Too many people feel 'love' when things are rosy, and give up when the going gets tough. But love, the pure unconditional love that makes you willing to lay even your life down for her...that love is forgiving, patient, kind, gentle and long-suffering. God loved the world so much...and even though the going was rough and His people turned away from Him again and again, did He ever give up and turn away from us? No. Instead, He sacrificed His one and only son to die for us. If He had turned away from us, where would we be now? And thus, in my own little way, I try to emulate this pure, unconditional love.
Despite the troubles and issues, the trials we had gone through, the problems, the tears, no matter how many times we tried and failed, I was still willing to give it another shot, to grind through the tough times no matter what because I love her. I could endure the bottled up feelings and regrets and strive on again and again because I love her. All because love is unconditional. I do not need you to be anything, do anything for me to love you. All because love is forgiving, and through love I can forgive and forget anything I had to go through for your sake. All because love is patient, that I can strive on and wait till the end of time till things turn out alright. All because love is gentle and kind, that I can care for you with infinite tenderness, never mind the sacrifice or cost to myself. All because this love i have is pure, that I can always get up and forge on again, and bring you home safe from this torrid world we live in.
All because I love you, that I could and would stay around, following you wherever you go, be your strength when you stumble and lift you up when you are down.
I was always willing to try and try again because I loved you.
There are no regrets, especially if this brings you happiness...
Only a forlorn wish that..perhaps..if only....I could have given it to you some other way.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.
posted by Metalfyre at
10/20/2008 09:13:00 PM
1 Comments
