Tearin' Up My Heart

A boyhood favourite song of mine has suddenly taken on a new meaning for me...



It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

(hey..yeah)
Baby I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
Things are getting out of hand
Trying too much, but baby we can't win

Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down, on my knees
I can't take it anymore

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

(oohhh...alright)
Baby don't mis-understand (don't misunderstand)
What I'm trying to tell ya
In the corner of my mind (corner of my mind)
Baby, it feels like we are running out of time

Let it go
If you want me girl, let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore..ohhh

It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

Tearin' up my heart and soul
We're apart I feel it too
and no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Tearin' up my heart and soul (alright)
We're apart I feel it too (I feel it too)
and no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

It's tearin' up my heart (tearin' up my heart and soul) when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too (we're apart I feel it too)
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Imposing Judgement

I just don't know where to start...how to start this post. All the 'WHY?!?'s swirling around in my head. Wondering why they think like this. Why girls think in this way. And why they choose to impose their thinking on me. Why... This has no longer become a question...more of a resigned statement.

In both my relationships, both tell me they feel they don't deserve me. Both tell me they think they should allow me to go and find someone who would really appreciate me and treat me better, because, in their eyes, anyone else will appreciate me more than them. And having arrived at this conclusion, they go on to impose it on me...throwing me into the depths of melancholy.

It seems my opinion has no weight in this matter. It doesn't seem to matter if I don't mind being under appreciated. Doesn't seem to alter her perception when I say that doing all these, tolerating any under appreciation (which I do NOT feel) is my expression of love to her. Doesn't seem to make a difference if I am willing to take all these because I love her. Doesn't seem to change anything if I say that I don't want someone else appreciating me...I only want her. I only want her.... :(

I don't mind...I've never ever minded that she didn't seem to appreciate certain things...that she didn't seem to treat me well enough. I never felt that way in fact. And all I ask in return is her love. Just love me. And that is enough. Just accept me. And that is sufficient for my needs. Anything else can be settled when there is love. Anything can be discussed, worked out, ironed straight. With love, any compromise can be struck, for love fuels the need to make things work out...doesn't it?

Has showering my girl, my love with all the love that I can spare suddenly become a crime? Do I have to treat her like shit sometimes for her to feel she deserves me? Is the old anecdote of girls liking bad guys true? Is there no girl out there who appreciates pure, unadulterated love? The kind love that I try and try to show to the one I love?

Or am I just a fucking loser who can't ever give my loved one what she wants, what she feels she needs? I should just stay away from relationships then...

Love, the panacea...has suddenly become the bitter root for all my pain.


不说出的温柔

你是否忘记了
那时候的笑容
如果我已不在你心中
舍不得为什么
你说过的以后
留下我能不能圆梦
那天空云很多
看不见你的轮廓
只剩下太多来不及说

(是我你好吗
没什么事
只是想知道你好不好
这是我最后一次打给你了
希望你好好照顾自己)

不说出的温柔
让你离开我
我以为你都会懂
等着你
我才发现难过

很难说有没有
想念过你的手
可能是我不愿去触碰
不记得本来你
有没有擦口红
反正是我已经错过
那天空云很多
看不见你的轮廓
剩下太多来不及说

想哭的冲动
开始在失去以后
才等着你的手
拥抱我的寂寞
该说的时候
早应该大声的说
那种认真的沉默
弄巧成拙
不说出的温柔
让你离开我
我以为你都会懂

想哭的冲动
开始在失去以后
已经擦干了泪
为何还有点痛
该说的时候
早应该大声的说
爱已经留下缺口
剩下沉默
不说出的温柔
让你离开我
去拥抱你要的梦
别担心我
我会好好过

...

想哭的冲动

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest,he has the world.
When you leave him...he has lost everything.

I'm burning all the candles you gave me.
I'll burn the green one last...because it's your favourite colour.

Did you know....

that....



I still love you.....





and that...






I still want you by my side...


Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Two Years

Two years ago, at this time, I'd only just hung up the phone, ending one of the happiest phone calls I'd ever made in my life. Now, I don't really remember who it was that first made the call, but it spanned a good 7 hours, and we chatted while typing inanely to each other via msn as well. And while a lot of you may gasp at this figure and wonder why my ears didn't fall out from the radiation, to me it was worth every single second, for it was in this conversation where I asked her to be my girlfriend...and it was in this conversation where she agreed. Well alright...she didn't really agree on the phone...rather she typed out her response on msn. But it's all the same isn't it? My dream girl had just agreed to be my girlfriend! And after agreeing, she shyly started enquiring about my tastes, what I liked to eat and stuff like that. Ahhh...sweet sweet memories.

And even now, two years later, through all the trials and tribulations we'd been through, through all the pain we had to endure, through all the good and the bad, she's still the one for me.

Still the one I dream of.
Still the one I want to be with.
Still the one I want to kiss goodnight.
Still the one I want to hug and hold.
Still the one I want to pamper and spoil.
Still the one whose hand I want to hold.
Still the one I want to look at tenderly.
Still the one I want to kiss.
Still the one I want to have beside me as I sleep.
Still the one I want beside me to encourage me as I struggle and strive.
Still the one I want to make love to.
Still the one I want to be the mother of my children.
Still the one I want to grow old with...counting our grey hairs and wrinkles together.

Still the one I want.
Still the one I need.

Still the one I love.

For everything in my life. You're still the one.

Brings this song to mind........

By Shania Twain

(When I first saw you, I saw love.
And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.)

Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

Bridge:
They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

Chorus:
(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

As well as this one by Brian McKnight...

Funny when you stop and think,
Time goes faster than you blink,
Nothing’s ever like it was,
Girl we’ve got a special thing,
Your the happiness it brings,
Is more than enough,
I know it’s hard to believe,
Your still the biggest part of me,
All I’m living for,

Chorus
I still think about you,
I still dream about you,
I still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one, your still the one,

It’s hard to breathe when we’re apart,
You’re that sunshine in my heart,
I keep you here inside,
You’ve been everything to me,
You’ve been and always will be,
The apple of my eye,
And I know it’s hard to believe,
Your still the biggest part of me,
All I’m living for,

Chorus
I still think about you,
I still dream about you,
I still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one, your still the one,

If you love me, look into my eyes and say you do,
I’ve been waiting all my life for someone just like you,
Baby after all we’ve been through,
Girl I’m still in love with you,
And I want you to know, I do, I do,

Chorus
Still think about you,
Still dream about you,
Still want you and need you by my side,
I’m still mad about you,
All I ever wanted was you,
Your still the one,
Your still the one.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Beyond Redemption

During the Ride Safe 2007 that I attended last Saturday, a fiasco occurred that has been the laughing point for many of the NUS riders I went with. We were all seated for the prize giving ceremony, which came immediately before the lucky draw. I fished into my helmet bag, but rummaging around, was unable to find my ticket. Even emptying the contents of my bag out onto the chair and putting them back one by one did not unearth the bloody ticket. Giving it up as a lost cause, I assumed I'd dropped the ticket somewhere and thought, aiyah won't so heng they call my number one la..won't win anything one. I've not won anything through a lucky draw before anyway. So imagine the hoohaa when everyone realised that the very first number announced was the number for my ticket.

Everyone turned towards me, excitedly telling me that it was my number; they knew as Ken Hui's number was one more than mine as we'd taken our tickets together. And then as I searched frantically and futilely for my stupid ticket, the emcee went "calling once, calling twice...ok next number...", and everyone was asking me why I didn't go up. My response of "I lost my ticket la" drew laughter and a smattering of sympathy; I'd lost the chance to win a hamper consisting of two cans of birds nest soup and 12 bottles of chicken's essence.

The general consensus was that :I was 'suay'...not meant to win the prize la...never mind la chicken essence nia...you got no box, also no space to put what so nevermind la". I took it all in stride. The lucky draw meant little to me, even if it was the first price of a new Samsung handphone that I'd passed up, I wouldn't have felt too bad about it...merely irritated. I just brushed it off that I'd simply lost my ticket...too bad.

When I got home, I opened up my helmet bag intending to store away all the freebies given away during the event. And lo and behold...once I unzipped the bag...there was the bloody ticket lying smugly on the very top of the pile of freebies. WTF. When it mattered...I search so long..empty out my bag and cannot find. Now reach home liao the bugger is right on top of the pile in my bag! The 'ai wan' (wasted) feeling suddenly amplified itself.

In the midst of my conversation with WQ last night, we discussed our plans for the future...on how we would work for probably 5-10 years to save up enough capital before opening a business together..a business we were confident will succeed since we are consumers in that particular industry and feel that certain things are lacking that could be easily provided. We detailed our plans, how we'd import certain machines, go to the relevant authorities for approval, what kind of membership benefits we'd offer and such. We spoke till the wee hours of the morning, realising the extent of which time flew by in the meanwhile only when the first bus roared past his house, and the discussion was detailed enough that if we had put pen to paper then, we'd have a detailed enough proposal to submit to the bank for a loan. We revised, evaluated, re-revised, discussed and planned.

And then a realisation hit me. I do have a plan. I freaking do have a life plan. It's not the case I stated in my previous entry where I said had no plan and needed to wake up my idea and make plans before it's too late. I do have a plan. I know exactly where I want to be in the future, have known for at least a year or so; WQ and I had actually been discussing and refining our plan all the way back from our 2A days. And along with this realisation came another thought. She'd asked me for assurance, asked me what I wanted to do in the future. Back then, while I racked my brains to find an answer, it didn't strike me that this plan I have with WQ WAS my plan for the future. I didn't think of it, didn't find the correct answer even though it was there all this while. And while it wasn't as if I was diao er lang dang and noncommittal towards my future, I gave her the impression that I was because it bloody did not occur to me at those points that..fuck..this WAS my plan dammit. And so instead of pouring my assurances on her by telling her this plan, I gave her vague, noncommittal answers...to her disappointment.

And so here it is. Just like the ticket became worthless and unredeemable when I found it later on, the realisation that I have had a solid plan for the future for about two years is virtually worthless. I wonder what would have happened had I told her those plans then, had it struck me to tell her those plans...had i found the answers that were there all this while. Would it change anything? Would we be happier? Why didn't I think of telling her this before? It's almost as if I'd been blinded by some malicious hand, just like I was blinded from finding the bloody ticket. How did this happen? Was it because I didn't really understand what she was seeking from me? Haiz. I don't know. It's so stupid...so so stupid. Idiot. Kick me. Hard.

Faux pas.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Don't Love You No More

[VERSE 1]
For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold
(didn't you say)
If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl
(tell me)
Ok I know I was late again
I made you mad and then it's throwing the pan
But why are you making this drag on so long
(i wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly games
(silly games)
Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

[VERSE 2]
I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone
(I see it all so clearly)
Me at the door with you inner state
(inner state)
Giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

[BRIDGE]
Don't say those words it's so hard
They turn my whole world upside down
Girl you caught me completely off guard
On the night you said to me
I just don't love you more.

[CHORUS 2X]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more


I hate to admit it...but Craig David is good...

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Everybody's Changing

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
It's as everybody's changing
And I don't know why.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

Ooo...
Everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

It seems so much more succinct to express myself with music..


Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

All Out of Love

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know


Chorus:
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong


I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone


Chorus


Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?


Chorus(3x)

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Better Man

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

We learn....we all learn as we go along. I wonder if I'll get a chance to prove I've learnt. Of if the 'school fees' are going to cost me.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Kryptonite

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

Not easy being superman..eh? I know..

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Running Away

Found out I have some really funky songs in my playlist..

By Hoobastank

I don't want you, to give it all up
And leave your own life, collecting dust
And I don't want you, to feel sorry for me
You never gave us, a chance to be

And I don't need you, to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Cause I did enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice
And I was the one, who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Is it me, is it you? (is it me, is it you)
Nothing that, I can do (nothing that, I can do)
To make you, change your mind (to make you)

Is it me, is it you? (so why do - you run - away)
Nothing that, I can do (won’t you tell me)
Is it a, waste of time? (why do - you run - away)

Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do
To make you, change your mind - no

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say)

[Chorus]
So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you're afraid)
Why are you running away?


Linkin Park is coming to town. Anyone wanna go watch???

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.