Changes In Perspective

This prose catches my sense of idealism before....

Finally Reach The Sky

Can't you see that you are sweet?
Oh, let me love you so.
As I look up, the sky above seems so far away
But there are dreams that even it can't hold.

Oh, yes, I want to slip away
from this artificial world and make myself free.
I can keep on running till i finally reach the sky.
Since I believe that I can become the wind someday.
I'll never give up forever.

People may accept those who come to them
and many stand there silently, but still
Oh, yes, I want to know who my true love will be
even though I haven't met her yet.

When you reach out your arms far till they reach the sky
till they finally reach the sky
you can see a new beginning then, and
You'll never give up forever.




And now...

Looking Back...

On that night I told them that lie
I couldn't sleep
how scared I was
Butno matter how bad a fight we'd had.
By the next day,
It would be forgotten.
The sky would be so blue and
that would make me so glad.
There'd be times when I'd doubt others
and I'd know the loneliness of living
But that was something I didn't notice then
Back when I believed in everything.

From Gundam War In The Pocket

The last two lines strike a consonance in my heart....

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Marking Chapters

Was packing up and setting up my album for memory's sake.
Like a bookmark for every chapter in my life.
Dug out every conceivable sentimental bit of trash I had in my room for consideration and managed to fill out a narry of pages. From my birth till now. Thing is, I don't have any photos of myself recently that captures my circumstances, like a shot of myself in my police uniform?

While I was packing, I found all the letters I'd kept from Adeline. Reading them, part of me wonders how we held on for so long, and I marvelled at my own powers of self-restraint. I guess I should really let it go and take it that she's no longer the Adeline I once knew.

Reading through the other letters I'd got, I was suddenly struck by this feeling of intense dissatisfaction. As though I'd been shortchanged. And I didn't really know why I felt this dissatisfied. And so I sat on it, and thought.
I guess the article I plagurised a few entries back on the 'Nice Guys' issue sums it all up.

Maybe I should illustrate with a life example.

Today, I gave one of my colleagues a lift to NUS. I could have left the school at 1:30pm sharp for home to catch a 2 hour nap, but waited for her till 2pm + before she appeared. Turns out she was having lunch with the other teachers while I was waiting. And so I ignored my hunger pangs and pillioned her down to NUS in the rain, braving the weather, the traffic and my phobia of pillioning a passenger during rainy days, enduring the stinging lashes as the raindrops pelted me in sensitive regions like my neck, and basically using up the time I could have used to catch up on my sleep when I only had 5 hours worth the previous night. Not to mention the petrol consumed. (Ok, I know I sound very calculative. I am not nit-picking or grousing over the fact that I did all this, wasted my fuel etc...just stating what I think would make you as a reader understand the situation and how I feel. ) At NUS, I waited while she finished her thing, shivering in my tissue thin, soaked shirt as the air conditioning compounded matters. And then I sent her to SMU as the netball girls were having a match. In the rain. And rode back home in the cold and rain. (I witnessed an accident on the way home)
Oh, she appreciated it. And showed it with a monosyllabic 'thanks'.

That's how it goes. I play Mr. Nice Guy. I do things. (eg give someone a lift, burn a cd, encourage someone, make someone something, buy someone something, fix someone's computer etc) And usually what I get from the girls is appreciation. In the form of 'thanks', 'thank you', 'you're such a sweet, nice guy' etc. Some are orally administered. Some in the form of SMS. Some in the form of letters and postcards. Often, the girl I help would employ at least two of these mediums to convey her appreciation to me. And that girl gets quite close to me because she feels that I'm 'such a sweet, nice guy'....for a while. And then it fades away. The girl would naturally go on with her life, do her own thing...and appear to have forgotten I existed.

And as I mused through this, I started to question myself as usual. Was I being too demanding? Why do good and nice deeds and expect a reward? Why not do it for the deed itself? Was I being too unreasonable? Was I?

And then made a startling realisation. Hey. I do things for guys too. I ride out in the rain for my buddies. I lent money to a friend whose sister was ailing in the hospital with cancer without expecting it to be returned. And those are just the tip of the iceberg. If anything, I do things that require at least equal effort as the things I do for my female friends, if not more. Why then, don't I feel the same feeling of dissatisfaction towards my male friends? Why then, do not feel as if I have been shortchanged?

And then I got it.

My guy friends may not be as verbose or expressive in showing their appreciation. But when they do, it is more tangible than their female counterparts. I guess what I really need now are supportive friends who rally around me when I'm feeling this lousy. And this support, going out with me and lending a listening ear, dispensing down to earth advice, doing things with me etc, is something my guy friends are giving. I can't use 'thanks', and I sure couldn't care less with whether I am a 'nice, sweet guy' in such a circumstance. It doesn't help me anyway. Not all. Sometimes I get really tired of being termed as a 'nice guy'. In the end it all boils down to nothing. And I just wear myself out trying to please everyone. I tried to make things easier for Adeline. I didn't want to be unfair to Tess. In the end I was left with nothing. What. Do I have to start being a fucker as well? I think this world has enough of them to go around without me joining up in the ranks.

I don't know what to think anymore, regarding this issue.
Again, I'm not grousing. I know this post may raise more than one eyebrow and I'd like to emphasize that I am not, as others may conceive, complaining about a lack of support or whatever from my friends. I am not blaming anyone. I am simply, as always, using this blog to express myself. And hope that after doing so this feeling will disappear...

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Congratulations, Metalfyre!Your IQ score is 129 This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns.

Bittersweet Moments

Even though I'm leaving, I find that those scum still refuse to leave me be.

I told noone that I'd submitted my one month's notice. Simply walked in and placed it on the table. The very next day, the word had already spread.
While I was on reservist, some of my colleagues went to ask to find out why I was leaving.

Colleague: Why is Caleb leaving? He quit?

HOD: No. We just find him unsuitable...

Ohh....they make it sound like I'm being fired. When I was the one who quit. Wtf...adults who are supposed to be parents playing this sort of game. Wtf I ask you? Their kids will only turn out like them, and the vicious cycle will repeat itself, ensuring that this breed of motherfuckers remain on the face of this poor planet.

So it's not just one person. Colleagues I respected and looked up to are also doing the same thing. Fantastico....makes me glad I don't have much longer to go. I've also been stripped of all my duties and classes, and delegated mere relief duties. Gaah~....with teachers so conceited, is it any wonder the school can only muster 30+ students for the express stream? Although not all the teachers are like that, (or I'd like to believe not all are like that) these few pieces of turd make it impossible enough to perform at one's optimal level in an already demanding jobscope.

But when i go to relief my own class when one of their teachers pulled a no-show, the class' response cored deep into my heart. The mere act of standing outside the classroom waiting for the teacher inside to clear out sent the class into a frenzy. The kids started shouting 'Mr Seah!! Mr Seah is outside!!', heads craned in my direction, and some even risked the wrath of the other teacher to run out to me and ask me if I was teaching them, whooping away in joy when I nodded my head in accent in spite of their teacher's harsh admonishments to 'Shut up and sit down'. (I'm quite proud to say I haven't used the term 'shut up' on any pupil to date'.
When I entered the classroom and greeted them, the volume that they engaged to greet me almost rattled the window panes, made me winch and set my ears ringing for quite a good while, as juxtaposed with the tired tone they used to thank the previous teacher as she left.
Once I told them to sit down, they immediately rushed to the front and surrounded the teacher's table, bombarding me with questions like 'Why you never teach us Maths?', 'Are you teaching us other subjects?', 'What class you teaching now?', 'When you going to teach us Maths again? We don't like the other teacher to teach..' and the inevitable 'Mr Seah can I go to the toilet?'. One of my kids, Germaine, even insisted on following me as I went around the classroom. What is more sweet? What is more heart melting than a bunch of kids crowding around you, eager, smiling, wanting to be near you? A child's affections are pure and unaffected, only dispensed to those who are truly sincere. To have received so much of it....ahhh just thinking back to those moments makes my heart feel like bursting with joy~!

Even when I am relieving other classes, I receive other little snippets of affection from other students. A girl from Jennifer's class, Celine, asked me for paper after she'd finished the work their teacher had assigned them. When I asked her what she wanted the paper for, she quipped:' I want to draw Mr Seah!'.

Or what about the sense of satisfaction I get when the students ask me how to do a particular question in their English revision paper and I see the light of comprehension sparkle in their eyes after I'd explained it to them.

Bitter memories. Sweeter memories that stand out.

And these sweet memories are all the more reason for me to resent that fucking fat lumbering balding short mud penguin and his croonies for depriving me from this. Depriving me from making a difference in these kids lives. Depriving me from my desired future. Making me stand by helplessly to watch as these kids who have such a bright future are ruined by the school's abysmal system that allows less than a class' strength worth of pupils to get into the express stream, pupils that are every bit as able as I was at their age.
God~!!! Why did you give me a burden for these children when I am in such a position that I cannot help nor influence them???...

...........

Fuck u khir ...
You don't even deserve a name.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Backstabber Command

Corporation Primary School has another name.

Just like Man Utd is named the 'Red Devils', or Newcastle United known as 'The Magpies', 'Toon Army' and the 'Geordies', Corporation Primary School has a name that gives everyone out there a better glimpse of the inner workings in that school.

What name you ask? It's all in the title of this blog entry; The number of folk with the 'I'll step on you so I can get higher' or the 'I'll stab you so you can't get higher than me' attitude is incredible. People I always thought were honourable turn out to be seriously lacking in integrity. And lurking about in this community of backstabbers is of course, the balding mud penguin of a supervisor.

Tales of backstabbing, shortchanging, double dealing fly rampant. They may just be rumours, but if things like this didn't happen, would these rumours arise anyway?

Situation 1:
Teacher A goes to Teacher B, and tells B that he/she will settle certain matters for B. B agrees, assumes the matter will be settled by A and goes on his/her own way. Teacher A goes to see the ignoramous unfortunately known as the Principal and tells her Teacher A didn't do his/her job. Ignoramous 'p'rincipal has no eyes to see and no sense of discerning, and arrows the poor, unsuspecting Teacher A.

Situation 2:
Teacher A does a job and reports to Teacher B. Teacher B gives positive feedback and encourages A. However, in front of the bigest ignoramous 'p'rincipal ever, he/she gives negative feedback regarding the job done and the effort involved on the part of Teacher A. Displaying her usual lack of judgement, ignoramous 'p'rincipal arrows Teacher A.

Situation 3:
Teacher A is doing a job and asks Teacher B for feedback. Teacher B says ok but the feedback never materialises. Hence, A is forced to complete the job based on his/her own limited understanding, a job that is considerably hampered due to the lack of feedback. Meanwhile, Teacher B informs ignoramous 'p'rincipal that A is doing a shoddy job.

Situation 4:
Teacher B wishes to appear gung-ho and volunteers for a lot of work. The high profile B will then proceed to make Teacher A look as if he/she has not done anything at all. To compound matters, Teacher B will helpfully tell ignoramous 'p'rincipal that 'nevermind, I'll get Teacher A to help me'. The job is done by both A and B, but only the latter gets the credit.

These are just some examples that I can think of at the moment. Of course, some of the teachers are truly genuine. But then, I, the ever idealistic fool, entered the teaching service with the grand picture in my mind that most teachers, if not all, were imbibed with the fiery passion to teach and impress values on the minds of their young charges. Sadly, I've found that more often than not, I see teachers who are simply out to fill their rice bowl, clambering over each other in a bid to get that extra grain of rice. Just like every other Government department. No one big happy family. So I guess all that crap about all teachers having to be special is pure bullshit. I see nothing but common scum parading around while the truly industrous and motivated teachers are overshadowed, their efforts going unrewarded.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Recourse

The two weeks break has simply whizzed on by.

Time spent idling at home, surfing on the internet, chatting away with friends and aquaintances online...

Time spent returning to school to train the kids in YELLOW house. A pointless gesture, some might point out, but again, its for the kids.

Time spent losing myself with my friends. Going out. Talking cock. Doing things together. Distracting myself.

Time spent on my bike, now the main focus of my attention. Unfruitful D-I-Y sessions, plans and more plans to trick em up.

Time spent riding. The trip to Desaru a highlight amongst others.

In summary...time wasted.

By all rights I should be looking out for alternatives already. My last day in school is drawing nearer and nearer with the passing of each breath. What am I doing? I need alternatives. I need direction. I need peace, inner peace concerning my decisions. I shouldn't be doing NOTHING.
Shucks....

Any inspiration for Plan B?

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When one door closes another opens. But often we look so log so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.

-Alexander Graham Bell


Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Milestone

My virgin 'touring' trip...if you could call it one.
Destination: Kota Tinggi, Sungei Ringitt, Desaru.
Mileage Travelled: 279km return trip.
Pictures are available:

WeiZ stayed over at my place the previous night, and we had a mere 2 hours sleep before we had to get up to leave for the rendezvous point. We were late arriving at the Tim Sum place, but still managed to get a cup of coffee and lo mai kai into our digestive systems.

We set of at a leisurely pace, the 1st and supposedly fast group hardly breaking away from the trailing convoy of Phantom riders who wanted to play safe. Saw Bubble's pillion twisting around to snap some pictures, and along the way was prevented from going at my normal pace by Xiao Di's RVF. On the way to Kota Tinggi, he didn't take one of the left bends and went into the oncoming traffic lane. I had to follow as a result, or he'd be in a fix if a vehicle appeared on that lane and I was beside him inside the apex of the corner.

Arrived at Kota Tinggi and decided against jumping into the water. I suggested a trek up the waterfall and managed to garner a decent enough following to venture skywards. The route was narrow; certain points had enough foothold for half a foot only and we had to grab on to the twine to get across. There were lots of fallen tree trunks and loose pebbles and stones that could easily twist your ankles. The way up seemed almost neverending, but we managed to get up to the summit. The sparkling cool water was a panacea for our fatigue, and washed away the drowsiness I'd accrued through sleeping a mere 2 hours the night before. I felt like jumping into the water, or at least dipping my head into the water after the hot trek up, but had to content myself with simply washing my face as the gradient of the rocks bothering the water didn't allow me to dip my head in without falling in altogether. There was this still pool of water where all the bubbles from the waterfall had gathered, and so we pretended we were peeing into that pool; the water gathered there, coupled with the bubbles really looked like urine. Haha...imagine the scare we gave those folk who were frolicking in the water all the way below when they saw the photos.

Vince had a fall on the way out of Kota Tinggi. Don't know if he didn't dare to bank or what. Ended up turning late and going over sandy ground...and when he applied his brakes on the slick surface, he went down. Saw it happen in my side mirror and stopped in front to help him out.

We left Kota Tinggi for Sungei Ringgit to have an unfufilling lunch. We had around 6 dishes, the highlights of which would have had to be the abalone and the lobster. The food tasted good, but not exactly fantastic and definately not worth the RM50 price tag per head. At the end of it, I wasn't even satisfied appetite wise as I had a very big eater sitting two seats away from me.

Set off for Desaru, blasting away at speeds of 120-140km/h. Still a rather slow speed for such long distance travel, but I guess this gives me the training I'd need if I were to ride in with Dad on his Phantom at about 100km/h all the way to KL or Ipoh -_-
When we arrived there, we found out that the resort had closed and had already been converted into apartments. The Go-Kart track was still operating, but when asked when it opened, the guard told us "They want to open, they will come and open, if they don't want to open then they won't open".

Guess that's expected when you got a whole buncha muds yalam running the whole show.

Decided to turn back to Singapore. I went to Holiday Plaza with Alan, Wei Siong, Vince, Richard and ThChong. On the way there, we actually overtook the group of riders who were headed for the GP R&R who'd left a good 10 minutes ago...imagine how slowly they were going. Had a haircut, then proceeded to Beijing restaurant for a decidedly more sumptious dinner. To the tune of RM 20, I consumed dishes I found tastier and stuffed myself.

All in all, not a very exciting trip, but it's good riding experience.

Tired...must rest or I'm finished. Reservist tomorrow....

Girls are all alike...?

Was reading through this thread on relationships at SBF and found this article.

A plagurised rant entitled 'Ode To The Nice Guys'


This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal


This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003


Makes me start musing...how much of this is true?


.........haiz.........

For composing such a read that summarises my feelings in general...
For voicing out all the unappreciation I've ever felt...
For answering the golden question I constantly throw at myself as to why I always try to be the nice guy....
And for making it seem at least a little worth it....
Here's a toast to you ....Fu-zu Jen.
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

A Tribute

I have been in this dank pit.
For a long, long time.
But as I fell into it,
As I lay at the very bottom, stunned from the impact of the fall
As I curled up in a corner seeking to nurse my wounds
As I mustered the will to carry on
As I summoned the strength to my limbs
As I shakily tested my shakey feet
And reached up my hand to grab the first handhold
To haul myself out of this pit...
Through it all, although I may have been too preoccupied, the pain and bitter disappointment taking center stage, I have been aware of hands held out towards me, seeking to lift me out of that pit, abeit ineffectually.... grasping hold of me, and slipping.
I guess no one can truly help me out. There is too much dirt and grime on me, accumulated from the time spent in that pit for anyone to get a solid enough grip to haul me clear of the pit. Not unless that 'saviour' were to jump into this pit with me, and help me with my sluggish attempts at climbing out.
Although this is something I think I need to work out on my own, I am utterly grateful to those who bothered to stop by the pit, stoop or lie down in order to reach a helping hand down in my aid. I'd have been much worse off without these people who helped me in one way or another, distracted me from my problems at hand etc...

And so here's a dedicated list (in no particular order):

God: For your everlasting love and graciousness, I wouldn't have made it without your promises.

Dad: For the little soundbites and the pats on the back that salved my wounds far better than any words could have.

Mum: For the understanding you displayed...that meant a lot to me.

Joachim: For calling, and listening to all that crap I had to say.

Daniel: For your support, abeit online.

Christabel: For just simply being you...the cute little sister who has always been happy to see your big bro, and in showing that happiness, warmed my heart.

Grandma: For your encouragement...tho I dunno if you'll read this :)

Uncle John: For spending time and effort to talk to me that day.

Xianglong: For being there for me, the kopi sessions, the karaoke sessions, the bemoaning sessions...and never failing to make me feel better even if it were only for a while.

Shere: For trying to infect me with your boundless enthusiasm.

Dominic: For screaming out your lungs with me that night.

Hafeez: For trying to listen and uplift me even though you've been bogged down yourself with your own emotional luggage.

Mingzhou: For calling me out for those workout sessions to get my mind off things.

Wei Siong: For being there, anytime of the day. For being there when it happened. Friends like you are easy to take for granted and I pray I never will.

PJ: For trying your best to cheer me up. Your efforts did work for a while you know :)

Crystal: For the maturity you displayed beyond your years, and for being the utterly cute 'Snow Angel'...cheered me up.

Rain: For the sweet disposition...never fails to distract me.

Serene: For being Aunt Aggy...and trying to find a resolution for me, and convince me that it was for the best.

Cheng Ai: For simply listening sympathetically to my problems, which was what I really needed at that time.

Simon: For being one of the few from church to bother asking me how I was going.

Ru Yi: For simply popping by and saying 'hi', making me feel that I wasn't so invisible after all...

Cynthia: For showing your concern in your own, sweet way.

Mei Yi: For spending an entire evening with me listening to my sob story, even though your exams were coming.

Gail: For your online 'advice' and stuff...yeah :)

Ernest: For distracting me momentarily with 'fishy' business

Chong: For never failing to cheer me up and distract me when we're together.

Hanqing: For making me feel appreciated by letting me help you.

Horizoner: For that little 'pep' talk that got my hopes up again.

Ivy: For listening... online when you had better things to do.

Swee Kang: For 'endorsing' my actions...

Gaya: For showing you care :)

Gisvin: For seeing how troubled I was, and lending that listening ear...

Lynette: For the online encouragement :)

Theresa: For being that little beacon of sunlight whenever we talked on msn...

Swee Hong: For letting me know I'm not alone in the boat...

Kate: For tagging something so encouraging :)

Dawn: For accompanying me that day... :)

Tess: For being there when I was confused and in pain.

Xinli: For bothering at all to message me...

Adeline: For being there, even though you didn't have to.

The little kids I teach in school, for cheering me up by just being themselves.

There are going to be so many more, some that may have slipped my mind. But I just want to reach back out and let all of you know that your efforts have not been in vain. This one has noticed. This one is grateful to you all. And this one would like to THANK YOU ALL, even though these 3 words barely scratch the surface of what gratitude this one feels towards all of you. This is belated, this one knows, but this one feels that it is better late than never.


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It's my sister Christabel's 12th birthday today.

Happy birthday to you...happy birthday to you....happy birthday my dear girl :)
H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y TOOOOOOOO.....YOU!!!!

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Spent 3 hours DIY-ing, and I only managed to fix 2 signals....what a flop
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Snow City

I went to Snow City today with two of my 'daughters'.
First time I've been there, despite having lived a stones throw away from the place ever since it was erected until the day I moved out from Jurong East, and studying at a school which was spitting distance away from Snow City itself.

The advertisements have always left the impression in my mind that Snow City would be a sprawling complex with snow makers simulating real snowfall from above, plenty of space to roam in the snow, a slope for snowboarding and tobagganning, a place for snow fights, a place for building snowmen etc. When I stepped in, I was sorely disappointed. A small playground sized area with a small playground and an igloo so small I would have had to leopard crawl to get into it, and a cordoned off area for some already built snowmen. On the other side was a controlled area where the 3 story snow slide was housed. One word to describe would have been
S-M-A-L-L.
In most areas, the snow was so hard packed that you couldn't get enough out to make a decent sized snowball. There was one area where there was this big bucket of snow, and that was about it; the only area you could get snow. Nothing from the air, near nothing from the ground. Since the two girls were scared of heights, I had to content myself with providing a 'snowing experience' for them which culminated in a snow fight. Haha. Crystal turned really red in the cold and looked like a snow angel when I covered her with snow. So cute!!! Haha...Sin Ying kept running away when I showered her with snow and also looked damn cute when she put her hood up. Haha..so adorable~! But dang...was it cold. About -5 degrees...my miserable BBDC gloves proved that it was only good for opening durians; my fingers were so cold they went numb.

Snow. White. Represents purity, cleaniness, innocence. Soft to touch, like powder or how I imagine the fluffy clouds wafting above us would feel if I could just get high enough. But for all the things it stands for, it is terribly cold, too cold to touch. The pain experienced when I took off my gloves to scoop up a handful of snow can perhaps be likened to life itself. The ideals, principals all look pure and good. But how can you maintain the purity of it all? An example would be the Puritans in old America, who upheld their 'laws' without thought for human compassion...just like how cold and unrelenting snow can be. And if you attempt to touch this purity, you get hurt because all your actions are being examined, and you are ostricised or punished because of the mistakes you made, mistakes that make you human, but far from perfect, far from purity. Which is why ideals, perhaps should be treated like snow. To be viewed from afar only. Life requires a certain bit of realism in each and every one of us.

I should stop looking back, lamenting the loss of ideals and look forward to the future. Because the present is what life deals us. And the present is what needs to be tackled to get a bright future.


Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Understanding

Here's a plagurised article by Bonnie Yuill that I found was really very true. For me at least...mostly... :P

Five surprising reasons men are happy in a relationship

Don't be fooled by the male ego. Men look for more in a relationship than an attractive women who will cook him a good meal and wash his clothes every once in a while. What he really needs is your admiration.

He needs to communicate with you
A lot of men need to be in a relationship more than women do. Surprising? Not really, when you think about it. Women usually have close relationships with their friends. They talk about health problems until they feel better. But men don't. As Helen Fielding's character, Bridget Jones, says, 'Women have emotions and men have football.' Men are competitive and so, in general, they rarely share their emotions or problems with each other, as they think it makes them look too weak. When he needs to open up and talk about his feelings, guess who he eventually shows his vulnerable side to? You!

He wants to be your hero
Knowing that he can make someone else happy makes him feel good inside, because he has the power to change things. And what bloke doesn't secretly want power of some sort? At least if he can't always be top dog at work, he can be a star at home. Instinctively, he aspires to be Spider-Man or Superman – to be your hero, to be able to make things right: to be appreciated, to be someone's knight in shining armour. So when you are disappointed or unhappy, he feels responsible. What matters is that you are happy and then he's got one less thing to worry about. Strange but true.

He strives to make you happy
The number one reason men leave relationships is because they feel as though they can't meet their partner's needs. This makes them feel inadequate, and it makes them feel as though there's no way their partner can feel respect for them. For women, communication seems to be the top priority in keeping the relationship going – but, quite honestly, men don't understand this constant need to talk about things over and over.
For men, the relationship is a success if they feel respected and if they make their partner happy. This is why a new conquest is exactly that – he feels as though he is in charge – he is once again someone's knight in shining armour.

If you resent him because you feel overworked and under-appreciated, stop doing so much – you are probably destroying your relationship! He doesn't want to feel responsible for you rushing around, worn into the carpet, and most men really don't notice whether the housework has been done or not. What they want is respect and appreciation. 'All we really want from women,' a (male) friend recently told me, 'is for you to smile at us.' (And probably one other thing, if he thought about it for longer than a millisecond.)

Sex makes him feel loved
Sex has the same effect on men as romance does on women. So the reverse is also true: no sex = no love, no approval, no acknowledgement. They get that same sad, unloved feeling that you get when you don't get flowers, your partner looks at other women or ignores you.
Sex has the same effect on men as romance does on women You are his (secret) reason for livingHe needs you because you inspire him to do better – he has someone to do things for, goals to reach, a reason to go out and conquer the world. What's the point of being disgustingly rich and powerful if there's no one to share it with? What he needs is the gift of you.

So true...if only she understood this before. But there's no point now any longer. Haiz.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Repose

Thank God the holidays are finally here.
I have need of a break from all these. To close the doors and take a break. To really take my time and recover.

I enjoy going to the toilet. Its the only place in school i don't get scruntinised, the only place where i'm left to myself, allowed my own privacy. My sanctuary of solace, if you will...however unlikely. If someone comes in while im on the pot i would just stand up and let em have a whiff to ensure a speedy departure. haha...which is why every morning i enjoy my little repose on the porcelain white throne...sitting too long until i have a dead leg which is often followed by a crippling bout of pins and needles coupled with near cramps on my calf muscles. You might be grossed out by this but hey, to me it's the only place in school I get to escape, if only temporarily, the harsh, hostile school environment my work place has recently become.

Hopefully I'll be able to fully unwind during this period.

Today while I was planning the purchases for Art resources (the miserable school allotted a measly $3 per child for the ENTIRE YEAR), I overhead some of my colleagues denouncing their students stupid, regaling each other with how they made some sarcastic remark when the students asked what they deemed as a stupid question, and wondering to each other whether the kid was stupid enough to really follow what they sarcastically suggested.

Teacher A: That girl is really so stupid you know. I told them only those involved in the performance needed to stay back, and she still had to come to me and ask me if she needed to stay back when she is not involved. I told her 'yes, everyone is staying back to clean up the hall. Everyone will be late so when you get there you just start cleaning first ok?'....I wonder if she's stupid enough to really do that...

Teacher B: Ya lor ya lor...today's performance also...this other girl was blocking the way...so stupid don't know how to move out of the way..

See what I mean? How would the girl have known to move out of the way when she was facing the audience? How is asking for confirmation a sign that you are stupid?
I for one never believe that any child is stupid. I believe every child is intelligent, but simply learns in different ways, and at different pace levels. I believe every child is worth striving for, that every child has his or her potential, just waiting to be unlocked. I believe teachers are the ones in the best position to find that key, and unlock the potential. Which is one reason I stuck to this job. Listening to my colleagues gossiping and bad-mouthing their students, children that have been placed under their care so that they can mentor and mold them to their best potential, I cannot help but wonder, in what way am I inferior to them...in what way can they execute the teaching profession in a manner that is more effective...in what way does their attitude towards all this surpass mine? If I truly lack the attitude...what about these colleagues of mine? Going by the standards that balding hypocrite told me about, who in that staff room truly deserved to be teachers? 5 mayhaps? Maybe a little more? How many truly care about these children, how many truly are what the media paint them to be, paragons of virtue who care for and nurture each and every child? Or do they simply take this as a job to be done, a ricebowl to fill their tummies...

I no longer believe I lack the attitude. And the aptitude that I lack can be trained, inculcated. What more proof is needed that every bit of drivel from that balding hypocrite's mouth was pure nonsense? If he truly put every of the teachers under him under the same guidelines and standards that he claimed to set me through, shouldn't these teachers be recommended for termination as well? Humph~...no wonder the school produces such lousy results. 100% passes in PSLE? But what kind of passes when more than 70% of the graduating students are admitted into the Normal Academic Stream, when these students are no different from what I was before, and could have gone to the Express Stream like I did if only they had the same guidiance and care I experienced from my own teachers during my Primary School days? And by sending these kids to the Normal Stream, how many will possess the self-confidence to pick themselves up and try to gain entry into the Express Stream by themselves? These uncaring teachers have damned them and ruined their future. The school has damned them. No wonder I haven't heard of the school before I was posted there. No wonder Ms Cheong told me during the Prep course at the Teacher's Network not to give up. The school's only saving grace are the minute handful of teachers who are genuinely interested in the children, and work hard to help them. Sadly, examples of these are few and far between...

Riding fast, hard and taking a few corners!!!

Seeking Justification

PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY~!
He has delivered my enemies into my hands. Thank you God!

Haha~

For ages now, I've been searching for the information I needed to deal the dirty on the school.
I've searched the intranet. And found the resignation form instead. I've searched the public website, and I've found nothing of use.

Who knew that today, during the meeting, that I would have been handed a godsend. In the form of a circular regarding new trainee teachers under the postgraduate scheme. Detailed within is a list of roles untrained teachers should take. Reading it, I realised exactly how much the school has gone off track with regards to my attachment to them as an untrained teacher.

Fantastic.

The game is afoot.

I will seek justification for myself.

If God really wills it that I go to NIE, then he will open a door for me. All I can do is faithfully trust as I draft this letter and email it.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Succour

There's this emptiness within me.
An aching void, waiting to be filled. I know when it is filled, everything will be better.
The sun will start to shine again. The birds will start singing. Spring will be in the air.
All it lacks, is the catalyst to my happiness.

I need someone by my side. To shower me with affections that will salve my wounds. Tess said it true. I need love. I guess.

Today in class, I had given the students an English worksheet and asked them to read it to their partners. There is this particularly dreamy girl who learns so utterly slowly that she takes more than 5 times to remember how a word like 'pull' is pronounced, and is often left in a corner by her teachers because they cannot cater to her learning standards. I'd sat down with her, and given her one on one instructions, eventually successfully getting her to remember an entire row of words within a period's time, which is an achievement for her. I praised her and I guess she felt that sense of achievement for learning, something that sadly, doesn't come along very often for her. She's a very childlike girl, and showed her appreciation in the same childlike manner, sitting close to me as I explained each word in detail to her, and coming to pat my back as I was fuming in anger, scolding another pupil for misbehaving. Those simple gestures sent a wave of warmth that acted as a temporary panacea for all the pain inside. And showed me just exactly what it was I was lacking for a speedy recovery.

Two of my students asked me what toothpaste I used today. When I asked them why they wanted to know, they told me they wanted to use the same brand as well, as they thought my teeth were very white. So cute right?! Haha..

That faint glimmer of hope has come crashing to the ground again. The sliver of a chance for early redemption, receding into the distance, snatched away just as I extend my hand to grasp it. But I guess I should be used to it by now. Everything's been this way for me so far. It'd be unrealistic to expect anything better than my current lot.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Inner Peace

I need to quieten my heart.
To allow myself to come to terms with all that's happened. To get rid of that twinge of regret. All the 'What ifs'...

That twinge of regret I experienced after I placed the resignation form on the table, that same twinge I feel when I think of the kids, how I could have helped form and guide them, and how they would probably grow up not even remembering a certain Mr.Seah taught them Maths for a term during Primary 2. Knowing I'd probably forget some of their faces after half a year. Haiz...
Someone help! This is eating away at me. Sentimental regret...the salty taste of nostalgia that is getting too strong and overwhelming.

Oh God~...Give me the peace I need...I need to be at peace with my decisions, whether they be forced or otherwise. Or I'll keep looking back over my shoulder. And will never be able to move on.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Vindication

For most of my life, I have always tried
my utmost to look at both sides of the coin, consider both sides of the story...even if it concerned my own interests.

Thus, I had questioned whether their evaluation of me was just. Whether I was really unsuitable for teaching. Whether my methods of delivery were really insufficient. I asked, questioned, and cast doubt on myself. I looked around and found the answers.

Today, the Maths level rep asked me how my class did for their CA1 as she was walking out of the staff room. My class hadn't done all that well, slightly more than half failed, and I suspected that it could have been a result of an inadequecy in my teaching regime. I reflected the statistics to her and asked her how her class did. Her response laid my self doubt in this area to rest.
"Oh...also the same...more than half failed. The paper was rather tricky this time..."
I mean, getting the same results for my class as the class the Math level rep taught...tells me that our teaching standards would have been more or less the same. It also tells me that, at the very least, I am every bit as capable as any other teacher in there if the supposedly 'best' teacher, the level rep performed about the same as I did.

Add that to that teacher I mentioned who couldn't handle her class before recess. And the other class who had rowdy children running around in class when the teacher was in there. All these things, facts that I have seen with my own eyes, washes away all self doubt from myself. I had been seeking vindication, and today, God provided the means for me to vindicate myself to myself. And that is all that I ask for. For myself to know that it wasn't me. So I can hold my head high again in spite of what the others think.

I have yet to do the same regarding my decision to stay with dad. I know it IS the right thing to do. But abandoning my brother and sister....and my mother...still doesn't sit right with me. Is 'abandoning' too strong a word? Or am I truly being an irresponsible and unfillial son?

Still some regrets on the break up. Things that I should have done. Things that I shouldn't have done. That would have resulted in us still being together. But I am still satisfied that I have tried my best. And along with this knowledge, this 2nd crisis occupying most of my thoughts has made it easier to bear.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Answers

I need answers before there can be a resolution.
I need answers for my heart to be at peace.
All the 'whys' I've ever asked. I need answers. So I can pacify my heart, my disquiet soul.

I had a good long talk with my mum till 4am in the morning. She'd read my blog. It was totally unexpected and came as a mild shock to me. She spoke to me. Tried to explain the thought behind her actions. I guess she thoroughly covered most of the sore points I'd mentioned in this blog. Rationalised her actions to me. Guess I understand her more now after that 6 hour talking session, or rather, I understand how her mind works. Now I can satisfy myself sufficiently to tell myself that whenever she says or does something that I might have read as a slight, I can safely say that she does and says whatever without the intention of going against my dad. And above all, with the intention of providing for my siblings. I fully understand now. How ignorant I was. Always failing to communicate properly, always landing up in misunderstandings with those I care for the most. Firstly with Adeline, then with my mother. What have I been doing?!?

She knows I've been riding. Somehow, the solemn acquiecence to the fact that I'd broken my promise stung more than it would have if she had ranted and raved at me. I feel I've let her down, in so many ways, and yet...what I've done so far seems to have been the only way to work things out. I feel so trapped by the circumstances, no way out. Helpless. Hapless.

I couldn't open my eyes fully by the time our dialogue was over, and slept over at her place. When I'd gotten back home, dad was in one of his moods again. I've always avoided it, suspended my judgement. But I guess I've known all along that my dad is a somewhat vindictive person. He still harped over the fact that access was given once a month, in direct contrast to that letter he showed me, where mum promised unlimited access. When I explained mum's stand, that the once a month thing was when she sent my siblings over, and that should he wish to see them outside of this monthly thing, he could make arrangements with them or ferry them back himself and she would have no objections, he simply shook his head. And I cannot help but wonder if what mum said was true. That she'd been taken for granted. Ferrying my siblings over at her expense of time and effort, when he should have been the one to bring them. And when she didn't do this favour, did he take it that it was her duty to send them over? Is he really doing this? I don't want to judge, but if this is so then he would have to bear the fault. He can easily bring his children out. Why wait at home for someone else to bring them to you? God...I hope he isn't thinking in this manner. I hope what I told him today struck home.

Dad was rather upset about Daniel's no show today. Said he'd lost them. That's why Daniel and Christabel didn't have anything to say to him when they came over. That's why Daniel hardly appears anymore. Made me so frustrated at him. I got him a handphone so he could communicate. But he doesn't even bother messaging me telling me he isn't able to make it today. Just like he skipped tuition without bothering to inform. Just like he came over without bothering to inform. All this shirking, hoping that if he kept quiet no one would notice and question. A deficit in character.

I went to the Meet the Parents session yesterday. Was sort of dreading it initially, telling myself I could have been in bed instead, or that I could have been wearing out my chicken strips at the track. But it turned out to be quite interesting. The working parents would listen sagely to my feedback, nod their heads and agree saying they saw the same thing in their kids, that other teachers had told them the same thing regarding their child. The housewives would have more to say however.

Me: Your child is very quiet in class...it may not necessarily be a good thing because when she has doubts she doesn't raise them for clarification.

Mother #1: Yes, I know. Even at home she is very quiet. Keeps everything to herself. When I ask her what happens in school or how her day is, she tells me 'nothing happened'.

Mother #1: Ya she does tell me things. But some only. Everything keep inside.

Me: This could lead to a character deficiency. In future if she doesn't learn to express her thoughts and feelings it could be quite bad if she went through a rough patch and kept it all to herself.

Mother #1: Ya...what you say is quite true. How? What suggestions do you have to help?

Me: Perhaps you could try sitting down with her on a regular basis and talking to her. Ask her about her friends, her school, things that she would have topics to converse about. So once she is comfortable talking to someone she considers an elder, she would be comfortable asking as well.

Mother #1: Yes...I do that as well. I talk to her but she doesn't tell me anything. I try to be her friend. I ask her how's her school. She say 'nothing happen'. I ask her whether she have boyfriend, she say 'no'...

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....erm...ma'am...I think asking her about her friends can la...but boyfriend a bit early la...of course she will say 'no'...

PengZ...

Here's another conversation with another housewife/mother that embarassed the hell out of me...

Me: Whenever I mention that they are allowed to bring their work home to do, your daughter will automatically shut her book, sholve it into her bag, saying she will do it at home.

Me: My intention is for them to do an exercise in school, and another at their own leisure at home. But if she chooses to do everything at home, she wastes curriculum time and the workload for homework becomes quite heavy.

Mother #2: Oh no wonder! I always wonder how come she has so much homework to do! Now I know...so some of the work is meant for the classroom la...

Me: Yes...whenever I ask her to take out her work and do, she'd do so, but keep the book once I'm not looking. When I ask her why she wants to take it home to do so badly, she tells me she knows everything and wouldn't have questions to ask. She tells me she's very tired and cannot think properly.

Mother #2: Ah? She comes home and always tells me the work is so difficult, she don't know how to do. And she does work so slowly. Comb hair la, go toilet la...can do the work till 11pm still haven't finish. End up the next morning cannot wake up. That's why so tired.

Mother #2: This child ah, I give up already. I'll lose my temper and beat her if I keep scolding her and nagging, and I don't want to do that. I know la...in school she also always never pay attention one...

Me: *raises eyebrows* (how'd she know if she wasn't in my class?)

Mother #2: (rather loudly) Everyday after I pick her up from school and ask her what happen in school today, she will always tell me, 'my Maths teacher very handsome'!...

Me: *cringes as the other waiting parents turn to look at me on hearing that statement* Uh..

Mother #2: (more loudly) I tell her, 'you go to school don't look at Math teacher...must pay attention in class and study', but she always don't listen, everyday will tell me her Math teacher very handsome...

Me: *pretends to study the piece of paper in front of me while using it to shield myself*

Mother #2: (loudly, excitedly) Not only her ah...even her good friend sometimes when I pick my daughter up will also tell me that her Math teacher very handsome...

Me: *ignores the smiles playing on the waiting parents as they watch...*...ummmmm

Mother #2: (forges on) And then, today when we came, my daughter was looking all around for you, and when she saw you she kept telling me that you are her Maths teacher...

Me: *crimson* uh....ok.....

Me: *attempts to change the topic...*

Aiyo...I don't want to be a literal 'xiao mei mei sha shou'...

I will draft my letter tomorrow...
Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Redemption

I want out of this hellhole.
I have been wallowing, drowning in self pity for way too long.

Looking back, the downward slide started as early as in the beginning of this year. I'm tired. I think those reading this blog would be tired as well, reading sob stories day in and out. No matter ill luck that may befall me, I will try to pull myself out. Look deep within me for motivation. Look for something to redeem myself.

There are the kids. No matter what that two-headed snake has done to me, the kids still deserve the best from me. They in no way deserve any repercussions because they have done nothing wrong.

There is my bike. So many things to do. So many things to tweak. So many things to soup up.

I must persevere. I must. I must!

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Resolution

I submitted my resignation today.
No one was in the office, and so I just went right in and plunked the letter on her table. As I was walking out of the darkened room, I felt a twinge of panic and felt like turning back to retrieve the letter; admitting defeat has never been easy for anybody. But I stuck to my guns, and walked out. As the door closed, a wave of regret washed over me. Here it is. No turning back. Finishing up the pages on this chapter of my life. Wrapping up my teaching career.

Perhaps I could go into councilling. Or teach swimming. Or write. I don't know. The path ahead isn't clear yet.

Now with the resignation done with, at least I know when this farce will end. One month's notice and it will all be over. No more having to endure. No more self doubt. No more wondering if I'm doing the kids good or harming them. At long last, a resolution is in sight.

As for the self doubt issue that I posted a few days ago, it has all finally come to light.
Today, I saw of my colleagues who has taken to giving me disapproving looks whenever we pass, and even thought I listened to my MP3 player during classes (like d-uh...even an idiot wouldn't do something so unprofessional) as I walked past on my way to the hall to pick my class up. She had her class lined up outside the classroom, ready to bring them for recess. But the children were rowdy, pushing and sholving, and generally making a lot of noise. She asked them to keep quiet. They ignored her. She told them they weren't going for recess if they didn't behave. They ignored her and continued doing whatever they were doing. I mean, wtf....even my own EM3 classes pay more heed to me. Even if the class was rowdy, we're talking about RECESS man! You can practically make the class do anything by threatening to withhold recess from them. And so what this basically means is that from Day 1, she hasn't had a firm hold of the class, and they realised that they could do as they liked and still get to go for recess and took her as a teacher who wasn't firm and easy to climb all over. Her pupil management is far worse than mine. Talk about 'bueh gan'...and to think that they told me I didn't possess the aptitude. Even when I went off to another class, I saw students running around with the teacher seated in the classroom. My students generally stay seated unless they need to borrow things or require permission to visit the washroom. So am I fucked up? Heh...if so, aren't those trained teachers even more fucked up? They've had the benefit of structured guidance at NIE for years, and they still perform worse than me...well...what to expect from teachers of a school who produce results such that little more than 20% actually makes it into the Express stream?

Do you smell the word B-I-A-S?

Nevermind. It's over and not worth mentioning any longer.

I went to fix the IU and change my EO. Remind me never to go back to Extreme to have an oil change. $89 for 3 bottles of EO and an oil filter. Whereas Chong gets his oil change at $65 for 4 bottles of EO and an oil filter. Even if the quality of the EO I use is so much better, the price discreptancy shouldn't be that large.

Went with XL, WeiZ and Chong to vent it out on the mic again. Seems like a habit I'll have to cut down on once my income stops. But it felt good. Very good. Too good in fact. I feel like going again. A 4 hour session for $38++...not too shabby.

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

Seeking Solace

Didn't go to school today.

Went elsewhere. Seeking solace from the harsh environment the staff room has recently morphed into. Went back to lala land.

I don't think I can take much more of this. Going to school. Knowing its all so pointless. Knowing that given my current rate of motivation, I'm probably doing the kids more harm than good teaching them. Knowing I have to face that balding someone. Knowing that there is no meaning. Facing the superficial smiles from my colleagues. Being aware of the bias. Having to endure through all that. Counting down the minutes till the end of school even as I step into school on a new day. Carry on? I think I'll pass.

I went to LAB in the rain. Met WeiZ, shoei & Ivy and proceeded to Motoworld. There, we managed to haggle the price of a spanking new pair of sunglasses and a new hairdo for my SV400s to $100, saying that since the bike was so rare, if I hadn't come along he wouldn't have been able to sell off those stock. My bike looks so trick and racing now, but the headlights are super dim. Now I have more stuff to do up. The LEDs for my dashboard, the mesh and the pole lights for starters. Maybe after I stop teaching I'll do those myself. Gives me some motivation at least. Then I can do up my tamiya bikes that have been collecting dust ever since I started teaching.

Haiz...

Guess I'll tender my resignation tomorrow...

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.

No Spirit

There's this saying that goes something like this:
'the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak'

Ever heard of it?

Ever considered what happens when that 'willing spirit' collapses?
If not, you can just take a look at me.

Devoid of motivation, drive...me minus the fire that fuels me on.
Wanting nothing more than to be given the permission to crawl somewhere to nurse my wounds.

I need the time to heal. To recuperate. To gather myself, pick up the pieces that lie scattered all around me. To come to terms with all the shit that's happened.

Or at least I think so...

Dad thinks I should press on, to leave with a good, lasting impression. But today, when the kids started running amok, I didn't even have it within me to keep them in check, and simply let them do as they please. No energy, no spirit. With my current state of mind, I'm doing the kids no favours by teaching them because I'm not in the condition to make sure they're in the right behaviour for learning to take place.

Shere thinks I should hang on for the money. I think the ignomity of it is just too great to bear. The cold shoulders in the staff room, thanks to his machinations. Having even to have to tolerate the sight of his balding pate, ambling up and down the corridors at school. Sensing a certain degree of self-satisfaction from the principal as I pass her, knowing she's done me in for good.

XL concurs with me. Thinks its pointless continuing. I really feel like taking this path. Quit. Take my time to recover. Do things. Pack up my room. Fix up my bikes. Make sure everything is done, and in tip top working order. Make sure I am in good working order. Find the faintly glowing ember I know is hidden somewhere within the ashes of my hopes and dreams, nurture it, nurse it back to life, and rekindle the flame that keeps me going. Time to get over things.

But won't it be a complete waste of time? From now till my course starts next January? Haiz...

Riding hard, fast, safely AND taking a few corners.